Sedation and hearing test

L was 4 weeks old when we did the sleeping hearing test.  In those four weeks.  We realized this little guy was a thousand times more sensitive to life than our other child.  Or any of my friends kids.  He cried NON STOP.  He cried for hours at night.   I carried a lot of anxiety in those days.   Worrying about getting to appointments with a newborn and a 2 year old.  Planning, preaparing and packing before we went anywhere.

The amount of time it takes mothers with newborns to get out of the house is something of a miracle if you ask me.  You shower, nurse, meet needs of your other children.  Change clothes because you are thrown up on... get lunch because by then everone is hungry.. etc, etc, etc.  We all know the drill. Once you ARE ready to go out the door someone poops or throws up.  Colic is an easy way to teach patience.  ( I lack patience in every letter of the word!)

My daughter stayed with family... because I have the worlds best family.

I get to the hospital and L is starving.  He had to be somewhat fasting or at least hungry when we got there so they could slip him an oral sedative med that would help him sleep and hold still for the test.  

Have you ever declined to feed a newborn?   Oh heaven have mercy!  My  heart was cracking and my nerves were on overdrive.  Not to mention I had soaked my nursing pads well beyond their compassity by the time we got through our 30 minute drive.  (Which he cried in the entire way!)  I was wearing his dinner on the front of my clothes.  (Social humility.)  I would do it again in a heart beat!

Once asleep our dr.  whom we will call Jensen.  Jensen hooked up the electrodes across L head and put baby earplugs into his ears that were attached to wires going into a machine.  Small babies and wires and machines.  Everyone who's anyone knows someone who's experienced that!  I waited patiently.

As i waited  I couldn't help but recall the memories of my childhood.  I was the gir with the hearing aids.   Hearing aids in the 80's were very much frowned upon by childhood peers.  I had a lot of friends.  I didn't get verbally bullied much.  Yes it happened but not much.  It was the exclusion that I felt the most of.  People who would turn the other way, shy away from talking to me.  Kids who would stare at the goliath like devices protruding form my ears.  For elderly people we call that ear hair.. but for me...?    I always missed out on jokes.  I was the one not laughing.  I was the one who missed a tone and didn't hear how funny a comment was so I wasn't smiling.  I was always staring trying to read lips.  Trying to catch up.  In my brain every other word was missing sounds and I was constantly playing puzzles with the info I heard and trying to make sense or guess on the things I didn't hear.  

What would life be like for my boy?  For my sweet husband and I. Or his sister for that matter?  Would this test say he was deaf?  We knew that wasn't the case.  We had clapped while he was sleeping.. wispered in his ear and always got a response.  But there were times he should have responded and he didn't.  What would the severity of this test tell us?

It would tell us our future.

I waited patiently.  Somewhere within me a beast was awakened during these early weeks of diagnosis.  I became an advocate.  I became a protector.  I became an  expert on as much info as I could lay my hands on.  I became bold and strong and steadfast.  But deep within everyone has fears and those fears are sometimes what others feed off of.  Our strength to stand up can be intimidating.   I was embarking on an experience nobody withing my family, or extended family would ever understand.  EXCEPT for my mother.  She understood.  She held my heart together.  She raised two children with hearing loss and she held me together in those early weeks.  She has always held me together.  I felt like a glass globe.  Hard and unruffled on the outside, but see through and vulnerable on the inside.

The test was finished and Jensen talked to us.  We found out that his hearing loss was moderate and we would get more specific detail as he grew older and was able to respond to tests better.  We then ordered our first set of hearing aids for our 4 week old boy.

We went home and we processed our new path, our new reality.  We grieved as one would grieve the death of a loved one. But our grieving has never stopped.  Having a disability has a large impact on an individual emotionally.



I look back now as I write about our little family.  I wonder.. What got us through those early days and years?  I know the main source of strength came from  my beliefs.  We believe in the Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  We know our lives will be filled with trials but we are also taught how to deal with adversity.  Having gone through some hard times as a kid myself I believe I was better prepared for the trials I was experiencing and had yet to experience!

Having a firm foundation of principles to live by and a TRUE belief system with a support group are key to success in life.  Some believe money, social status, job status, or simply looks are where they may find their footing.  But as I have gotten older I have seen cycles in life.  Not any ONE particular person but a cycle of principles.  When lifes foundation is center around Christ and the Atonement, happiness can be found in the most unimaginable circumstances.  

Many people wonder "how do they do it"  as they look upon another person and their circumstances.  Some are forced to cope, some are taught to cope, and some are just surviving day to day.   The early days of dealing with a child with hearing loss were a blend of coping skills.    I owe all the success in raising my children and for the current state of my life to my Savior.  It was because of him that we didnt give up!  It is because of him that our marriage has become stronger over the years.  It is because of the Atonement I have been able to turn the other cheek time and time again.  It is because of his Atonement that I am able to face myslef with a smile in the mornings  and put all my energy and heart into each day !  Raising strong children who are well rounded with a firm foundation.  That is my hearts desire!