A change in plans

 March 2005

Jason and I were living in Preston Idaho while he worked at a local plant. He was making 13.00 an hour and we thought we were doing great to be holding it all together.  I was a stay at home mom to our 2 1/2 year old daughter K.  She kept me busy coloring, playing dolls, we cooked, we cleaned, and she was the little mini me around the house.  She has a  zest for life, a spunk and hard headed "I will do it myself"  Personality!  She would fall asleep every morning watching Winnie the Pooh.  We were on WIC assistance and Jason helped his dad at the farm every night after work where we earned an additional 200 a month.  It was hard to realize it was only a little over a dollar an hour, but he was happy spending time with his dad and our needs were being met.

I was pregnant with our second child who we knew was a boy.  Apon finding out he was a boy I had my own confirmation and spiritual experience that "everything would be all right."  During this pregnancy I had feelings of uncertainty.   Glimpses of something coming.  He would not move a lot in utero and he didn't respond with the zest and flare that my daughter did.  She was an acrobat within for the entire 9 months.  This little guy was oh so calm, peaceful and just there.  I wondered at times if something was wrong.  I remember asking my husband if he felt something was different but how could he.. I was the one pregnant.

Our family is active in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.   We believe in modern day revelation, prophets, and personal revelation.   The experiences I was having I felt were that of personal revelations.  They scared me.  But there was this overwhelming feeling of peace at the same time.  When I had found out that I was pregnant months before.  I was laying on my bed taking some time to myself reading and contemplating life.  I knew I was pregnant before the pregnancy test was even possible.  While I was resting I had what some would call a day dream.  I saw an old lady in a mid calf dress,  It was something you would see in the early 1900's or so I imagined.  She was mid heigth and had short hair that was aged.  Her face was clear as day.. But what I noticed was her clothing and her actions.  I imagined her standing in  the doorway of my room and she had on a white apron that was smooth and tied around her waist.  It fraimed the skirt perfectly and she was wiping her glasses with this apron.  And I had the impression that she told me.   "Everything is going to be ok. Don't you worry."   And that was the end of my experience.   It hit me so hard, so deep within that I told my husband about it.

A few days or weeks later I was with my mother looking through old family photo's and in her book was this old lady.  The picture jumped out at me in my mind so much so that it startled me.  I stopped my mom quickly and said "Who's that?"  And she said that it was her moms, mom.  Grandma Lettie.  I told her of my experience and she went to her room and pulled out these old glasses.  They were the exact glasses I had seen weeks before.  And that is when I knew that I was going to experience something within my little family.  Not just me, Not just this baby but all of us.  My little girl would be just as much a part of this experience as the rest of us.

The day I was due to have him I was scheduled for induction.   My body didn't go into labor with my first child.  She cooked for 42 weeks!  This little boy was scheduled a day after my due date.  We arived and were placed in a delivery room.  The normal procedures are being set up, my Pitocin and other necessities.  With my daughter I was 30 hours in and with this little guy he was only 4 hours from the time my water broke to the time he arrived!

He wasn't a screamer like his big sister.  She came into the world and wanted everyone to know what she had just been through!  He came into the world, peed on the dr, and then just looked around a lot.  He squeeked and cried a little bit but nothing like his sister her lung compasity!  He looked healthy.  The delivery was so easy I told my husband "I could go through that again tomorrow.  What a difference in deliveries."

Oh he was handsome he had surfer dude hair.  His tips were blond and his roots were darker!  He lit up the faces of all the nurses and they would hold him up to show the Dr's who would walk past the nursery.

As always, we got the results of the hearing test and the nurse casually said, "He didn't pass his hearing test but no worries.. he could have fluid in his ears so come back in 2 weeks and we will check again!"  I went home with the realization that I may have passed on a nasty gene.  I felt guilt, I felt fear, and I felt the answer to all those uneasy and off feelings during pregnancy were all a part of this.

At home our family and friends would come and go as they visited us with our newborn baby.  Some would be suportive and ask questions and give encouragement.  Some would validate our feelings.  Some would put us down for our fears , or so if felt. I like to think it was their of encouraging us.    And some didn't even show up at all.

Our little family, our marriage in it's early stages... how could we keep it all together with this new information?  Those were nervous, and soul searching weeks.  I remember praying a lot.  Not quite ready to cry because it wasn't for sure.  I wasn't entitled to grieve just yet... but I felt it.. I felt I was expected to carry on as normal and not mention it because it was probably just fluid.. but I feared it.  I was his mother, I had my mothers instincts... I KNEW.

Two weeks later we showed  up again to the hospital. This time the nurse had a pale and timid look as she told us he didn't pass again and was refering us to the Logan Audiologist.